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Former President Chen Shui-bian is continuing to mount a vigorous defense against allegations of corruption and money laundering, despite mounting evidence against him and his family. In a rare interview with foreign media, Chen spoke with the Betel Nut Daily last week in an effort to put blame everywhere and anywhere else.
BND: Thank you for joining us, Mr. President. Swiss and other overseas banks confirm that you and your family possess secret accounts holding millions of dollars. Can you tell us how that money got there, where it’s from and why you didn’t report it?
Chen: It’s really quite easy to understand. A-Bian is no crook. A-Bian wired the money but he also didn’t. A-Bian’s wife also may have wired the money but she didn’t. We have nothing to hide. When A-Bian was a young son of Taiwan, A-Bian was not allowed to speak Taiwanese in school.
A-Bian’s wife was hit by a truck in what we think was a Kuomintang (KMT) assassination attempt. They fired bullets at A-Bian in 2004! The KMT has stolen billions! A-Bian will stand up for Taiwan and say “No to the KMT!” and “No to Chinese Trojan pandas and milk powder even if no one else will!!”
BND: Um…I don’t believe you answered any of the questions. Did you embezzle money?
Chen: A-Bian’s wife – Matsu love her – is so concerned about the fate of Taiwan’s democracy that it seems she may have required several hundred million dollars from the treasury. You see, by buying earrings and necklaces she is able to show the people of China what freedom looks like.
BND: And the overseas properties?
Chen: We bought the many properties in the United States to act as a kind of “Noah’s Ark” for real Taiwanese in the event of a Chinese nuclear holocaust. A-Bian is a son of Taiwan… like Joshua…leading the people into the wilderness! But Ma Ying-jeou is like the ruler of Egypt, Lord Voldemort.
BND: Ok, I’ve had enough. For the last time, what is your role in this scandal? Who’s to blame?
Chen: There’s a lot of blame to go around, but if I had to pick the one person who’s most responsible…I’d pick former KMT Chairman Lien Chan and the evil KMT. After that, in descending order, there’s: James Soong, Wu Bai and China Blue, all the mainlanders, and…
Well, it’s just a little teeny bit possible that A-Bian’s wife, A-Bian’s son, A-Bian’s daughter, A-Bian’s son in law and sister in law, A-Bian’s cousin’s brother’s cousin, A-Bian’s father’s uncle’s cousin’s friend, A-Bian’s wife’s mother’s brother, A-Bian’s uncle in law’s brother in uncle in law’s sister’s father’s mother’ in laws’ older sister’ s daughter, A-Bian’s lawyer and A-Bian’s dog may have been involved in some minor illegal money movements. But A-Bian himself? No way, José!
BND: That’s hard to believe.
Chen: Let me say…I am willing to become a martyr, like Jesus Christ, OJ Simpson and Nelson Mandela. But unlike Nelson Mandela, if they lock me up I won’t just fast and pray until they crucify me upside down. I will become the Son-of-Taiwan Phoenix and become even more powerful. I also plan to run for president in 2012. That’s how much I love Taiwan.
BND: (speechless).
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